So Wrong Yet So Right
by paje-chan
Summary: No flames plz, this is a really random FB fic. No srsly, it's really serious then really retarded then really serious again. A oneshot. I wish I cared enough to give more of a review than this. *Lots of Akito, heh heh.. no duh..* crime humor. u'll see. :D


**Yay, meh first retarded oneshot! Fruits Basket, what's new. I have a thing for embarrassing my favorite character, watch out. :P**

**Hope u enjoy, pplz!!**

'Great, it's time to give Akito his medication. I hope he'll wake up today.' *deep sigh*

'The same, every... single.. day..' Hatori walked through the halls, coming towards Akito's room. Calm and quiet, he was at the door of 'his' room.

Hari opened the door to see not only Akito, but another person- a woman- sleeping with him. He took in a sharp breath and couldn't believe what he saw. Ren Sohma, Akito's mother, was laying beside him, arms wrapped round each other.

They were both sleeping. He didn't want to wake them, but he quickly pulled the covers off. Akito moaned and turned around, he was probably cold. Ren was wearing a short, black nightgown. He could see that she had a black lacy….. yeah.

Most defiantly a crime, mother and son… so sick. Her legs were wrapped around his, and her bra strap was halfway down her shoulder. Akito shifted again, opening his yes half-way. Hatori quickly walked out of the room, trying to make sense of whatever he just witnessed. This is going to be a long day for him...

*Later that morning*

Ren opened her eyes and saw Akito. He was on his back, lightly snoring. He looked so peaceful, that's a first.

She was always twisted, at least ever since Akira 'left' her. She got desperate, going with every guy from the Sohma family she knew; Akira, Akito, Shigure, and she was working on someone else... Hatori. But she was content with Akito at the moment. She nudged him.

"Akito, dear, wake up. Someone might see us…" she whispered. He moaned again, turning towards her, eyes closed. Still asleep he murmured a 'five more minutes… mom…'

Ren chuckled, touching his lips. He made a face, and she kissed him lightly. He felt warm, so she pulled him closer. Apparently last night wasn't enough for the girl.. she wanted more of him. They didn't 'do' anything last night, oh no, they just made out. He slowly opened his eyes, realizing what was going on, and slowly returned the kiss. They held each other for a while, then Ren got to her knees. Akito was still on the floor/bed (thing…. :/ …anyway-), so she grabbed his arm, and tried to pull him up. No, pry him from his pillow.

"You are SO stubborn, son." Akito glared back at his mother.

"I told you not to call me that… it's sick-"

"We are sick, darling."

"….. don't remind me…" He got to his knees. "By the way.. wasn't someone supposed to visit today?"

"Hmmm…." She thought, putting her hand up to her chin, mocking Akito. He glared at her.

"You know what….?!" he looked at her with narrow eyes, on his hands and knees, crouching low. Ren was turned a little, so she looked towards him.

"Wha-" she was cut off by Akito's attack- (he pounced on her) He was on top of her, a playful attempt. Just then, Tohru (shock shock ) walked into the room with Kisa and Hiro.

"O-oh! S-sorry, Akito-sama-" she was at a loss for words as Kisa and Hiro just stood there, as the confused little messed up children they are. Ren and Akito both quickly turned their heads to look- cuz they had no idea that anyone was in there until Tohru opened her big gaping mouth. Akito quickly jumped off his mother, and was in front of Kisa and Hiro. He pulled a knife out of nowhere (kimono) and plunged it into Hiro's heart, not even allowing Tohru to explain. In the background, Ren was laughing hysterically. Akito glared back.

"Mother, you need to shut the hell up. You sound like a dying animal for crying out loud! And for God's sake, you are like 50, aren't you?!" She made a pouty face, then turned around, sitting on the floor Indian style. He heaved a sigh and rolled his eyes. Then he turned back to the others.

Tohru was crying- "Hiro… no… H-Hiro.." – and Kisa was…. LAUGHING?!? (Holy shit, I love this demented child)

"Kisa! Why are you laughing?! I thought you loved him!" It took her a while to get her words out between the giggles.

"I… only liked him… because I like lamb. It's yummy." Akito was wide-eyes, mouth open.

"O.… kay… then lamb it is! Tonight we shall have a feast!" Kisa was drooling, staring at the bloody lamb corpse. So romantic. Tohru was still crying. Akito was sick of her, so he came up to her and raised his arm to hit her as a threat. She looked up, smiled at Akito's hand, and slapped it—

"HIGH FIVE!!!!" She 'screamed'- "Akito-sama, killing is never the answer, anyways, you will only live to be 25! Hah, loser! I bet you will die sooner! BE FILLED WITH LOVING LOVE!!!" She screamed again. Akito was confused and angry. 'she's on something… I know it..' he thought.

"No, be filled with hating hate." He said. Then Tohru ran out of the room, knocking over 10 vases and breaking 2 doors on the way. She had to pee, bad. (Alert!!!) Kisa ran after her, carrying her 'food', laughing like a bloodthirsty murderer. Poor girl.

Akito turned to Ren once they left.

"Mother…" he said in an angry and frustrated tone. "… can you EVER control yourself…?! I have a feeling dad didn't die on his own, that was his only chance to get away from you!"

She looked up, stunned, and glared at him. They were mad at each other. (Oh darn. This fan-fic has turned into a retarded crack story)

Therefore, they were frowning. * no shit *

They got so mad at each other, that the quickly raced to each other and kissed for 10 minutes… no.. 1998 minutes squared. After they were done, Ren got hungry. So she got up and started for the hall. Akito was never hungry, and weighed like, 95 pounds, like... including his huge kimono and rube. He's what we might call underweight, or like.. unhealthy. Like.

When she was in the kitchen, another person seemed to be in the room too, just not visible from where she was standing. The figure walked toward her, not seeming to notice. The person, she soon realized, was Kureno. 'Hmm… maybe I can have a little fun…' So she went over to him.

"Kureno, darling, how are you?" He jumped at the sound of her voice, for most of Sohma seemed to fear it.

"R-Ren. I'm doing fine, w-why?" he looked confused, so confused..

She cam up to him, whispering right next to his face, "Oh… no reason.." she said seductively, sending a shop up Kureno's spine. Then she pressed him up against a counter, and….

He tried to get out away from her, she was like… superwoman, she was that strong. She held him there as he attempted to pry her off. (No. Ren is NOT raping Kureno, she was just seducing him. : P Poor guy, too bad she has experience.) Then Akita, Akito's twin sister, bolted into the room. (Everyone always has to interrupt. Always.) She gasped, looking hurt.

"A-Akito! No, uhm— it's not what you think!" Kureno struggled to, Ren now kissing his neck.

"Ah-.. uh, Ku-.. R- Mother! Stop it right now! He didn't do anything!" He blushed and bowed his head in shame, even if it wasn't his fault. Akita wet up to her, tapped her on the shoulder, and as Ren looked up—punched her in the face.

She fell to the floor, Kureno couldn't help but feel bad for the witch. He usually took responsibility for other people's actions anyway. "R-Ren.. are you….!?"

"She's fine." The goddess reassured him. "All that was broken was her pride." (her face.. a prized possession, omg..) There was a little blood on the floor, but it wasn't that bad. Not as bad as if Akito would have smacked her down with his hellish claws.

But again, when Ren came to her senses, she ordered her to stay in her own room at all times. She didn't want her to interfere with their relationship- with Kureno or Shigure, even though Shiggy didn't live at the main estate. She'd find a way.

--

*In Akito's room*

'Ren needs serious help.. I wish she would be a little more sane. Like me. That would be good, then I wouldn't look like a total fool if anyone found out…. He, where's Hatori, I'm hungry.' As random thoughts entered his mind, he started to look around the room. He was a few birds on a tree just outside of his room/porch. 'My birds… still here for me and will always be. Unlike some people I know.' While he continued daydreaming, Hatori walked in.

"Akito I have some news." Akito continued to stare outside.

"Akito." He turned around to look at his doctor.

"Yes, Hatori…?!"- he didn't' really want to be bothered.

"Well, you know how you haven't seen Isuzu for a while…" –Akito's face stitched at the sound, it was unexpected. "…."- all Akito heard was 'bla blah bla…'- as thoughts of his last time he had seen her passed through his head like every other thought. Then he caught on as Hatori talked, the last part stod out to him-

"… and she needs a job, so I offered her a job as one of our house maids." He jumped up-

"WHAT?! You decided this, Hatori? Without asking me first??"- "Akito, she needs a job. Without it, she's broke and-" – "You mean I'm paying her?!?!" Hatori slammed his hand to his forehead.. 'what an idiot..' he thought.

"No, Akito, I will pay her.. just calm down. Besides it's safer for her to work within the family's estate, just incase."

"……………………...." Silence was all he got, Hatori had won., as Akito secretly pouted in his emo corner to watch the birds. Hatori just sighed his *deep Hatori sigh* and walked out. Minutes after, Akito stood up, and walked outside—a mistake on his part, but he was a rebel.

He suddenly got the idea that he created all the plants and creatures on his property. T___T So he flung his arms up, look up to he sky and a few birds and shouted very loudly:

"My birds, come to me!!" …….( Nothing happened. Like splash in Pokemon with a Magicarp, you know..? Anyways!) He sat there for 10 minutes, confused. Then he decided to try again.

"Come to your god, my birds!!" Another minute passed. Nothing.

"COME HERE YOU DAMN BIRDS!!!!!" he screamed out at the top of his lungs. Then, a single bird flew up to him. A few more came. "Heh, see.. there, obey your master.." There were a few flying above him too, about 10 feet. He stared at them.

Then a huge flock of birds of all different kinds started to swarm over his head—sparrows, ravens, flamingos, even a few penguins and an ostrich.

"Oh.. My.. Aki-.." He darted from the spot he was standing, stupidly running away from the house, his only hope of survival. Totally in the opposite direction. The flock of at least 600 birds flew closer (yes, even the penguins), still above him. When Akito was out of breath and almost dead from 'his birds' (which included Kureno), he heard a gushot and quickly turned around to see the main house. A few birds his the dirt.

And to his surprise, there she was… Tohru Honda.. again. Holding a gun, smiling like a space case. Akito didn't know what to think, he was saved, yet… his birds.. The gunshot caused a lot of them to fly (or run, I guess) away. He thought he saw that one of the dead ones on the ground was Kureno. Oh well.

"My.. precious birds.. HONDA!!!!" He darted for her, and she just stood there, smiling. He took the gun from her hand and shot aimlessly in her direction.

"AHH!!" he heard a voice.. he hit someone. And he was pretty sure it wasn't Tohru because it was a male voice… or at least he thought.

"Uhm.. oh.. D-DAMMIT HATORI, I NEED YOU!!" He ran over to Hatori, knocking against Tohru's hand on the way, causing her to bleed ½ the blood out of her body. "Hatori…" Akito wasn't really worried for him, he just didn't want to die himself (because God knows he can't wipe his own ass.).

Little did he know, his mother was not only watching, but videotaping his little episode. Up in her room:

"Oh, my dear Akito.. why must you be so pathetic. Stupid birds, how can they chase their god if he (claims he) owns them? This is truly sad, and on top of that.. Tohru? With a gun? Killing? This is a messed up world, I'm telling you. And better yet- Akito's a dork, and he's supposed to be my son.. I wonder how much this will sell for on e-bay.." Just then, someone came through the door, sighing.

"Ren.. you know, you really shouldn't be taping this Akito's just going to get pissed.." she turned. "Pissed? At me? Ah Shiggy, you've got to learn to stay out of other people's business."

"Come here, Ren." – "No." – "Oh come on… I need a little satisfaction, just one hug." He was whining like a dog, no duh. Ren rolled her eyes and walked over to him, arms out. He leaped into them, bridal style, his face next to her neck.

"Shigure, we're at least 15 years apart, mind you." a lie. He smirked pervertedly and said "I know." then rested his head on her chest. Then fell asleep, confusing Ren, for she expected 'more' from him. He started to drool (eeeeeeeeewww… dog slobber), so she dropped him, surprisingly not waking him. She went outside t see if Akito was still there. Unfortunately (or fortunately), she missed him. She was sure he ran off into the garder somewhere. Then she just remembered Hatori… laying there, alone.. still suffering. Then se got a strange sensation to be good and kind, but that lasted for only 15 seconds. Oh well. But she helped Hatori anyway, doing unmentionable things to him in his sleep/unconsciousness. Ren brought him in, hoping he would sleep with her. Highly doubtful.

*On Akito's little 'trip'*

He ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran.

This carried him the distance of a few feet. A couple of days later of hopeless running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running, he made it to his destination. Shigure's house. (Somehow, Shigure was brought back to his house, still sleeping…) Akito walked up to the door, and slid it open. Kyo was watching from the roof, and probably peed his pants by now. (Good God where's his litter box? Another wonderful manly job for Tohru! Cleaning Kyo's litter box!) Yuki was in the kitchen/living room. They both were astonished. The rat just stood ther, so Akito walked in without an invitation. He came up to him and grabbed his face (for all yaoi fangrils out there… heh heh…jk.), and KISSED him. (No, JK!!! Akito's not GAY, okay?! Stop thinking about it.. I said stop it!! Ugh.) --- his face, and stared him in the eyes.

"Yuki… it's been a while." Heh, again, in 'his' voice, all seductive like.

"What do you want.. Akito…" He was trying to stay as calm as possible, but wasn't able to hold back the shivering that was already spreading throughout his body.

"Why, can't your god visit once in a black moon?"

"Uhm, Akito.. I think it's blue-" . . .

"I know that you fool," he spat back, "but black is more appropriate for this situation. Do you know what black represents?" Yuki shook his head, eyes filled with fear. "Death, destruction, power, leadership… outcasts." Yuki flinched at the sound of the word. "You know, you zodiac aren't the only 'different' ones. Do you think god is a human that claims to be powerful? Think about it... do you really know what makes me better than you?" Yuki stared, unwillingly, and gave a slight nod. "Fine." He touched his face once again, and crept closer.. and put his mouth by his ear…

Yuki blacked out.

*That morning*

Yuki woke up and staged down the stairs, into the kitchen, where Kyo was drinking milk, Shigure was reading the newspaper. Tohru was outside working on a garden closer to their house. It walked there.

"Where's breakfast--" NO. NONONONONO. He thought it was a nightmare, and pinched himself to make sure. Akito. He was still here. And was he wearing… an apron?!? Making HIS breakfast….?!??!?!?!

"Ahh.. uhh—" Yuki blushed. Shigure smirked. And Kyo rolled his eyes.

Akito turned around. "Ahh, Yuki. Sit down, I've made breakfast." He was, indeed, wearing a light pink lacy apron with a little yellow chickie in the middle. It was tied around his back, and tight against his body. He was wearing his normal black turtleneck and pants underneath. Yuki tried so hard not to laugh, cry, scream, or faint. But he did as Akito said, and sat down.

He brought the food to the table; eggs. He set the table like he was born to be a house maid. Then he sat down, across from Yuki at the small table. And he just stared. Waiting. Yuki hesitated then grabbed his plate and scooped some eggs onto it.

"U-uhm… Akito, I don't think…" Akito glared at him. "I just... don't really.. think it's a good idea to eat this, I mean you don't like me that much and you made them, and you might have…" Akito stood up, straight up.

"EAT IT." Yuki stared at his plate.

"I SAID EAT IT BITCH!!" Yuki snapped his head up, one eyebrow raised.

"YO BITCH, EAT THE F'ING EGGS!!!!"

"Akito, maybe you should go in the other room." Shigure finally spoke up.

*Sigh* He left the table and walked with Shigure. Being in the same room, Yuki and Kyo, it was uncomfortable for them. So Kyo left to go see Tohru in the garden so they could have another adorable manga moment. Yuki wet outside with the plate of eggs to see if any of the squirrels would die if they ate it. They did, but that's just because Akito can't cook to save his life, not that he poisoned them.

A few minutes later, Isuzu walked into the house. She saw Akito and Shigure and they decided to have some fun. Later on Kyo and Yuki came in and joined them. Tohru just waited on the side and learned more than any highschooler should know. Like a minute later Ren contributed to the party too. Then Aizen and Soi Fong from Bleach, a totally different manga/anime. An eightsome, killjoy.

The end. :D

**Oh good god I might change the ending someday, I couldn't care less. Hey! Review, plz. :3 If everyone in the world, including babies and people that don't have a fanfic account, doesn't comment, I will cry. And then we will all die. :D:D:D:D:D**


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